Reflect on This

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Ty as my reflection.  How he was imitating me while we were brushing our teeth. Then I went on to express how that thought stressed me out and I was soooo sure that I was screwing up his entire life. 


Well, OK I didn't really go into all that so much,  as I just vaguely mentioned the enormous pressure I was feeling that he might actually be learning things from me.  You know, by example.  Eeek!

Well, today I experienced the yin to that yang.

I arrived to pick him up from school a little early today.  As I was waiting patiently for class to be over, I could observe him through the door.  I find it so strange, yet a little amazing, to watch him when he doesn't know I'm there.  I find its slightly uncomfortable to realize that he is a separate entity from me, as well.  That he walks, and talks and thinks, and reasons and makes decisions all by himself. 

During this rare and brief moment, this is what I saw:   I watched him interact with other children. I saw his personality bloom while making a joke with a friend.  I watched him struggle with a problem on his worksheet, then boldly get up to go ask the teacher to help him.  I watched his face light up as she helped him to figure it out.   I watched him be himself.

Be himself. All by himself. 

He did all of that without me. 

My child leads a life that is totally separate from me?!

I gave him life (his Dad and God may have had a little something to do with it too, but that's irrelevant to this discussion). 

I gave him life,  but he has taken it and made it his own.

Its so perfect and so heartbreaking at the same time.

My son, my beautiful son, who once needed me for everything just to simply survive, can do all of this on his own.

As he continues to grow, I'm sure he will change into someone I don't always understand.  He will baffle me, he will confuse me and I'm sure he will, at some point, break my heart. (You better not kiddo!) 

Nonetheless, I will always love him more than anything in the whole wide world.

How to Open A Can of Worms

STEP 1:  OPEN MOUTH

This conversation took place while I was helping Ty practice his karate.  We were working on his roundhouse kick and I (was not paying attention to where I was holding the pillow and) got kicked.

Ty:   Oops Sorry Mom, I didn't mean to kick you in the balls.

Me: (without thinking)    Girls don't have balls.

That sound you just heard. THAT was the sound of me opening a can of worms that I was not prepared for.

Ty:   That's what Dad said. But...... what DO girl's have?

Me:   Uh, ...... they have girl parts.

Oh yes, that's me. Always ready with smart, intelligent answers. I bet you all can't wait to get in line to give me an opportunity to educate YOUR child.

Ty:    What kind of girl parts?

Me: (Nervous, Sweating, and wishing I was anywhere but in the middle of this conversation.)  Uh... you know boys have a penis, and girls have...... well they...... well they don't have a penis, they have girl parts.

Yes, the answers just get better don't they.

Ty: (Just looks at me like I said 'water is wet'.)

Me:   OK, OK.  Here's the thing Ty. I've always said that if a child is old enough to ask, then they are old enough to know. I'm just not sure how much information is age appropriate for you and just EXACTLY how to explain it all. Sooooo, if you  PROMISE not to go around talking about this to anyone, ESPECIALLY your friends and Sunday School teachers, then we will talk about it.

Ty:    Why can't I talk about it?

Me:    Well, you can to me, and Grammy, and Daddy and Lilly.  Just not to other people who may not understand. Besides if you talk to other people about it, they may tell you things that are not true. So, if you have questions, then its best to talk to one of us. OK?

Ty:    OK, I won't.

Me:   Well, then as you know. Boys have a penis ...

Ty:     AND BALLS!

Me:    Yes, and balls, but they are really called scrotums, I think.  Anyway, they are on the outside. Right?

Ty:     (hesitantly)  They're on the inside of my underwear.

Me:   OH, no I mean they are on they OUTSIDE of your BODY.  You know they hang down. Right?

Ty:   Ohhhhh, yeah, your right Mom. Like your boobs?

Me:   (Awesome, the kid hits me with yet another esteem booster.)  Yeah I guess, but anyway, A Girl's part is called a Vagina and its more on the inside than the outside. 

Ty:  (Ponders this information for a few minutes.)  So why?

Me:   Why what?

Ty:    Why are boys and girls made different?

Me:   Because that's how God lets us make babies.

Ty:   Oh, OK.

WHACK!!!

(Roundhouse to the thigh.)

Ty: (Laughing hysterically)   Remember, your not supposed to let your guard down Mom.

Me:    Yeah, well your always catching me with my guard down.

Ty:    Don't worry Mom, I won't talk to anyone about a girl's  (slight pause).....Vegetable, or whatever you called it.

Me:   Good (and what I thought was under my breath) and don't think about taking up gardening either.

Ty:   Why would I want to be a gardener? (Thinks for a minute, and then said, laughingly) Oh vegetable!!! I get it!, You're so silly Mommy.

Me:  It's Vagina, Ty, NOT Vegetable.

So, now if you will excuse me, I am going to Amazon to find books on how to talk to kids about sex. Hopefully, I can educate myself before I do anymore damage.

 Do they make them for Kindergartners?

Might as well look for one on drugs and alcohol too.

Geez, they aren't exaggerating when they say they grow up fast!

COUNTDOWN TO MOVING DAY:
16 DAYS

NOTE TO SELF:  Do not make derogatory comments. Even when he doesn't get them, he gets them.

The Big One

"Why are you and Daddy not married anymore?"

I have known this was coming since the day my ex left. I tried to prepare myself emotionally, as well as to have answers readily available that don't point blame or involve name calling. I've had 5 years to prepare for this day, so I should have aced it.

Wrong. Oh, So Wrong. I was not prepared for it to come out of the blue like it did, and I was not at all expecting him to already have more information than I anticipated. I mean how much worse of answer could I have given than, "Well unfortunately Ty, sometimes things happen in marriages that cause people to get a divorce."  Seriously, what kind of answer is that?  That explains things about as well as, "Because I said so."
Then, out of left field,  the kid low balls me with, "Is it because my Daddy broke off with you?"

I was shocked. First of all, who has he been talking to, and who put those words in his head? Secondly, I mean, what do you say? Yes, and then your pointing the finger of blame. Or No, and then your a liar. I made a quick decision (not usually a good idea for me) and went with the truth. Obviously, its not the whole story, but it's enough for a 5year old. No matter how bad I don't want to color Ty's thinking about the situation, I sure don't ever want to lie.

I want Ty to know that no matter what question he asks me, that I will always answer in truth. Always. No matter how difficult the question or the answer. (Hopefully, for him, he doesn't ask about Santa too soon.)

What I Maybe Did Right.
I accept the fact that I messed up, but I hope I did do some things that were right. When I realized that this was a conversation that needed my full attention, I pulled the car over into a parking lot, unbuckled Ty's seat belt and pulled him onto my lap.

 As soon as he was in my arms, I could feel him shaking.  He wasn't crying, he was shaking from anger. His little hands were curled up into fists, and every muscle in his body was tight. I gave him a big hug, kissed him on his forehead and asked him to talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling. He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I told him that it was OK, that he could talk to me no matter what.

Finally, after I promised not to tell 'anyone', he told me that                                                                  (sorry, I promised, and I'm pretty sure that posting it on here would constitute a Mega violation). 

I handled it the best that I could and so this is what I told him.  "No matter who we are, how much money we have, how many friends we have or how perfect our lives appear to be there are going to be things that happen to us that are either unfair, that hurt us and/or things that make us angry.  We may not understand why these things happen and we do not have to like them, but we do have to accept them."  I told him that "when things in my life happen that hurt me or make me unhappy, I try to think of at least one good thing that happened because of it."

"What could be good about this?" he asked.

"Well, for me it is that I have been able to make my everything all about you. I haven't had to share my time or attention with anyone other than you. If we want to eat nothing but popcorn for supper, it doesn't matter, because the only people we have to make happy is us." I replied.

"You know what else is great? You have two totally awesome little brothers that you would never have had, if your Dad and I stayed together."

"I wouldn't? " Ty asked surprised.

"Nope, and I definitely think that's pretty special."

"Yeah, I guess your right Mom. I love my brothers."

"And everybody loves you. You always remember that."

"Yep, everybody loves Ty."

Of course, this all went down with me crying like a babbling baby. About two words into it I lost my control.  It's not my pain that causes the tears, it was seeing my baby hurting. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to hold onto anger over who did what to who.  The situation is what it is. I want him to be happy, and he can't be happy if he's angry.

I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure it's the first of many conversations and explanations. I dread it. I just pray God will help me find the words to help him understand and to work through it.

It's Kinda-Like a Compliment, Right?

Yesterday evening after Ty's karate class, I told him he could play on the Wii for 30 minutes while I did a few things.  I quickly layed out our clothes for today, packed his lunch and signed the permission slip for his class trip on Thursday.  Just as I was sneaking off to my room to stretch out with a book for a few minutes, I heard the t.v. turn off.  That's unusual, I thought. Although he agreeably turns it off when I tell him his time is up, I have seen evidence that he would play around the clock if given the opportunity.  Hence the 30 min. time limit.

I paused and sure enough he was headed my way.

Me: What's up?

Ty: Nothing. I just decided I didn't want to play for the rest of my 30 minutes.

Me: Why?

Ty: Cause I just want to cuddle with you Mommy.

Me: Are you sick? Is your belly hurting?

Ty: Nope, I'm fine. I just want to cuddle. BEFORE we read tonight.

Me: OK, come on then.

He crawls up in my lap on the couch and I take this opportunity to talk to him about his day.  As he is talking to me, he starts playing with my hair as he often does.  After a few minutes I can tell that he is more fascinated with my hair than having an actual conversation.  I just sit quietly as he "fixes" it in to a curly mess on top of my head.

Ty:  (smiling) Momma, I wish you were more beautifuler.

Me: (smiling) So do I kiddo.

The Crazy Things Boys Will Do for Girls

Ty: Mom, I have to tell you something about K******.

Me: What is it? Is she not your girlfriend anymore?

Ty: How did you know?

Me: I'm just super smart. I mean what else could you have to tell me about her. Your 5.

Ty: Oh, OK.

Me: So why is she not your girlfriend anymore?

Ty: Weeellll, you see there is this other girl.

Me: OK cool, who is it?

Ty: Well, she's from Sunday school and her name starts with an A.

Me: (Panicked) Dude, you know she is your cousin, right? AND she's like 10. She can't be your girlfriend.

Ty:  (Exasperated) I know she is is my cousin, but listen.  She said that there are too many girls, and not enough boys in her class. SOOOOO, I'm gonna do her a favor, and I'm gonna secretly capture all the girls and lock them in a cave, so she can have all the boys.

Me:  OK, but why do you want her to have her all of the boys, if your her boyfriend? I don't get it.

Ty: (rolling his eyes) She is my cousin mom.

Me: Yes....

Ty: (still looking at me like I'm missing the whole point) soooo, she can't be my girlfriend

Me:  (just a complete look of confusion)

Ty: (huffs) all the other girls will be in the cave!

Me:  OOOOH!



I'm really not sure who's raising who.