The Big One

"Why are you and Daddy not married anymore?"

I have known this was coming since the day my ex left. I tried to prepare myself emotionally, as well as to have answers readily available that don't point blame or involve name calling. I've had 5 years to prepare for this day, so I should have aced it.

Wrong. Oh, So Wrong. I was not prepared for it to come out of the blue like it did, and I was not at all expecting him to already have more information than I anticipated. I mean how much worse of answer could I have given than, "Well unfortunately Ty, sometimes things happen in marriages that cause people to get a divorce."  Seriously, what kind of answer is that?  That explains things about as well as, "Because I said so."
Then, out of left field,  the kid low balls me with, "Is it because my Daddy broke off with you?"

I was shocked. First of all, who has he been talking to, and who put those words in his head? Secondly, I mean, what do you say? Yes, and then your pointing the finger of blame. Or No, and then your a liar. I made a quick decision (not usually a good idea for me) and went with the truth. Obviously, its not the whole story, but it's enough for a 5year old. No matter how bad I don't want to color Ty's thinking about the situation, I sure don't ever want to lie.

I want Ty to know that no matter what question he asks me, that I will always answer in truth. Always. No matter how difficult the question or the answer. (Hopefully, for him, he doesn't ask about Santa too soon.)

What I Maybe Did Right.
I accept the fact that I messed up, but I hope I did do some things that were right. When I realized that this was a conversation that needed my full attention, I pulled the car over into a parking lot, unbuckled Ty's seat belt and pulled him onto my lap.

 As soon as he was in my arms, I could feel him shaking.  He wasn't crying, he was shaking from anger. His little hands were curled up into fists, and every muscle in his body was tight. I gave him a big hug, kissed him on his forehead and asked him to talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling. He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I told him that it was OK, that he could talk to me no matter what.

Finally, after I promised not to tell 'anyone', he told me that                                                                  (sorry, I promised, and I'm pretty sure that posting it on here would constitute a Mega violation). 

I handled it the best that I could and so this is what I told him.  "No matter who we are, how much money we have, how many friends we have or how perfect our lives appear to be there are going to be things that happen to us that are either unfair, that hurt us and/or things that make us angry.  We may not understand why these things happen and we do not have to like them, but we do have to accept them."  I told him that "when things in my life happen that hurt me or make me unhappy, I try to think of at least one good thing that happened because of it."

"What could be good about this?" he asked.

"Well, for me it is that I have been able to make my everything all about you. I haven't had to share my time or attention with anyone other than you. If we want to eat nothing but popcorn for supper, it doesn't matter, because the only people we have to make happy is us." I replied.

"You know what else is great? You have two totally awesome little brothers that you would never have had, if your Dad and I stayed together."

"I wouldn't? " Ty asked surprised.

"Nope, and I definitely think that's pretty special."

"Yeah, I guess your right Mom. I love my brothers."

"And everybody loves you. You always remember that."

"Yep, everybody loves Ty."

Of course, this all went down with me crying like a babbling baby. About two words into it I lost my control.  It's not my pain that causes the tears, it was seeing my baby hurting. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to hold onto anger over who did what to who.  The situation is what it is. I want him to be happy, and he can't be happy if he's angry.

I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure it's the first of many conversations and explanations. I dread it. I just pray God will help me find the words to help him understand and to work through it.