The H Word

I did it. I finally did it!

I've scheduled my hysterectomy.  For 5 years I have been dragging my feet (and suffering) because I am a big chicken. I mean a BIG chicken.

I've weighed all of my options, and I'm not having issues about losing my uterus. I could really care less about my uterus, because it is only a bag full of problems in my opinion.  It's the surgery that I am so afraid off.

"Everyone worries when facing a surgery" you say.

Well, I don't just worry, I become paralyzed with fear. I have panic attacks. I can't function. I can't think. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed.

Why?

BECAUSE I AM GOING TO DIE!!!

Yes, I know that this fear is completely irrational as well as illogical.  But knowing that and controlling it are two completely different things.

The last time I had it scheduled (umm, about 3 years ago) I managed to make it until the day of my pre-op. I had been struggling all morning with anxiety and fighting the need to just curl up in the fetal position and hide, but I thought for sure I could tough it out. While driving to the doctor's office, I was overcome by a migraine.  It was so bad that I was sickened by the smell of fabric softener in my clothes and struck nearly blind.

I should have called someone to come and get me, because I had absolutely no business trying to drive. But that would have been smart, and if I have proven anything in my life it is that I don't always do what is smart. So after I emptied my stomach three separate times alongside the road, I finally made it back home where I laid in the dark and quiet for two days.

By the time I was feeling brave enough to try again, my doctor was moving out of state.  I can tell you that trying to find a new doctor did absolutely nothing for improving my nerves.

So, are you wondering how I managed to overcome this fear?

My secret weapon is my sister.

I asked her to come home this weekend and basically hold my hand to get me to my doctor's appointment. Her first chore was to keep me from bolting back to my car in the parking lot. :)  Then she kept me talking in the waiting room, so I couldn't sit quietly and focus inward creating more anxiety. She sat through the appointment with me and helped make sure the Dr. and I covered all of the topics I wanted to. She was there to listen and make sure I stayed focused and on track.

Although I did most of the talking, the fact that she was there gave me some accountability. By that, I mean that I had to be honest with myself and my doctor. Not only my desire to get the surgery over with but about the fact that my anxiety is not a reflection of any reservation to have a hysterectomy but that my actual fear is dying.

I don't know why, but for some reason I have a terrible time admitting my true fears. I guess I feel as though I am showing weakness. I would rather someone (including myself sometimes) think something that is not true, rather than admit where my true fear lies. 

I'm trying to overcome that.

I love my sis! I'm glad she accepts me and my GADness! (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) She doesn't patronize my fears and anxieties. She understands that they are real, even if they are irrational. It is what it is, and she helps me do what needs to be done in order to get through it.

I'm sure that it helps that I don't often find myself in this shape. I usually do a fair job keeping everything in order, on track and in check. But, I've come to realize that my kryptonite is surgery. I have a huge irrational fear of dying during surgery. I just can't keep it together when it comes down to that.

So Thank You Sis!! I hope everyone has someone like her, for days like this.

Now, I have found a new doctor whom I really like. I have scheduled my surgery and he has given me a little RX to help me get through until H-Day.


Aaahhh! I feel better already.


And I haven't even picked up the RX!!!