Getting Back On Track

So sorry that I've been mostly MIA for two weeks.  I still can't believe how hard this surgery has been on me.  I've been working half days this week trying to get back into a regular routine, but after 5 or 6 hours up and about, I'm am exhausted.

I had my 1st post-op followup on Wednesday and the Doc was thrilled with my healing and how well I'm moving around.  I couldn't help thinking that if I'm doing that well then I truly feel sorry for everyone else.  I admit I am moving around pretty well though.  It's just getting tired that sucks so bad.  Of course I'm sure most people probably wouldn't be stretching themselves so thin by returning to work so soon, but I just can't help myself.  The guilt that I plague myself with when I'm not here is much, much worse than the exhaustion. :)

Now I am ready to get back on track with my blog.  I've really missed it, but I've been entirely too tired to even think rationally let alone publish anything in writing.  Seriously, I paid two bills last week when I got home, and then SEVERAL days later realized I had mailed them WITHOUT the checks.  Crazy, huh?

During my recovery, my wonderful sister stayed with me for a while.  During this stay, we came up with an idea to train for a 5K! I was on pain medication. I'm not sure what her excuse is. ;-)

My sister is already an avid walker and I have managed to work myself back up to 1 1/2 miles since my surgery.  Currently our plan is to officially begin training after my 6 week recovery is up.  She is already jogging a little bit, but I am going to continue to increase my endurance while walking until then.  Right now the mile and half is about all I can handle.  After that I start getting sore.

I'm super pumped about this idea!!  Its something I've always wanted to do, but never got around to.  Or never made it a priority rather.  Training with my sister will be great. Even though we are 6 hours apart, it will still give us some accountability and push us to train a little harder.

Now we just have to pick our 5K and push ourselves to our goal.

If you know of a 5K being planned for Spring 2012 somewhere between KY and NC, let me know!

The 7th Day of Recovery

WOW Guys!  I totally didn't expect to be out of the loop for so long.  This is Day 7, since my surgery, but it's the 1ST day that I've been able to function.

As a matter of fact, I came home on Sunday, and I set down to pay a few bills, but I discovered a few minutes ago that I totally hosed that up. lol

The best I can figure is that I sent two bills in ... WITHOUT THE CHECKS!!  :(
Seriously!  The bigger problem is that I'm not sure which two they were. lol.... I'm going to have to call in a little bit and see which out of the three actually received a check.  GEEZ!

I figured this out when I went to write my Mom a check this morning to pick me up some stuff while she was out.  So, I went to write it down in the register and realize there was a check not accounted for.  Then I realize I hadn't written down any of the bills I paid.  Sooo, 1 check and three bills.  Therefore I conclude I only sent one bill in with payment.

Anyway, I'll figure that out.

Just wanted to drop by and let you know that the surgery is over and behind me now and I am on the slow road to recovery. 

I'll be back to posting relevant topics soon, soon, soon. I promise!

The Night Before Surgery

My surgery is scheduled for bright and early for in the morning.  At the rate I'm going it looks like I may still be up because of this colon cleansing nonsense.  Geez. I don't think it will ever wear off.

Just wanted to stop by and say hi.  Gripe about the "poo med" and let you know that it might be a day or two before I post again. 

But for those of you who may be wondering. I'm still holding it together.

For the most part.

And it appears that I might actually do this, this time.


Seriously, I ask that each of you add me to your prayers.

I'll be back in no time!

Totally Freaking Out

OK I've have written and deleted this post about FIFTEEN different times.  I'm really struggling with it.  I kept thinking it was just the stress related to my upcoming procedure, or that I'm just having trouble writing about such a personal topic (Yeah right. I laugh in the face of personal modesty and dignity.) Then I realized that wasn't the problem at all.  The problem is that I have been trying to write this like I am a stable, rational thinking person.  So in order to fix that,I've decided to just tackle it head on.


Like the crazy person I am (or at least feel like lately).



Wednesday morning was my Pre-op appointment. Although to most people that not be that significant, but for me that means I am on the final countdown to my surgery. *~*

I am such nervous wreck.  Therefore I have been trying very hard to keep myself pre-occupied because...... well, because if I don't then I may seriously find myself camped out and hidden somewhere having a full-blown panic attack.

Wednesday evening was a Ty evening which also happened to coincide with the first day of school.  So it wasn't very difficult to stay distracted. We ate dinner together and I tried to get Ty to tell me about his day.  That was like pulling teeth as usual.  I ask a question and he shrugs and mumbles an answer. (Typical male) Of course when he decide he WANTS to tell me something, I can't get him to hush (also typical male, lol)

After he went to bed I spent a while making a list of things I need to do before my surgery and a list of things I may need to take with me.

Thursday evening, I had dinner and margaritas with a couple of girlfriends. Then I spent four hours with Dessa at the mall and Walmart.  I was so drained from the drinks and shopping that I just immediately crashed when I got home.

This weekend I painted an old bookcase I found in my moms attic and filled it with some of my favorite books.  Then I made a living will and wrote out a list of important stuff like where to find all of my life insurance policies and checking and savings account info. I watch a couple of movies and crashed pretty early.
So as active and distracted as I've been trying to keep myself for the last few days, you would think that I would be doing a good job staying calm or at least not focusing on being a paranoid crazy freak.

The truth is that as I am typing this I am completely freaking out.  I feel like I could simultaneously vomit and hyperventilate.  I'm light headed and nauseous.

Why? 


Well, because I'M GOING TO DIE!!!

Yes, that is actually what I keep thinking. I am going to die.  Next Thursday. During my surgery. Somehow.


The only rational thought that seems to be getting through is the fact that I was totally convinced I was not going to survive my pregnancy and c-section either.  I had it in my head that God's only purpose for me was to deliver this boy into the world and then my job would be done. And that ( obviously) didn't happen.

I know that this sounds like crazy talk.  And I guess it was/is.  I knew the complications and risks of my pregnancy. They were HUGE. Being convinced that it was going to happen was, in a way, my coping mechanism.  It was easier to believe and accept it than to fear and fight against the unknown.

That mechanism isn't going to work this time.  All I think about is leaving my son behind.  I was 21 when my Dad died and I STILL needed him.  Ty is only 5 so I know he still needs me.

Yep, I feel that I am on the edge of panic and the ground is slipping quickly.

I'm fighting the need to run full speed, screaming at the top of my lungs until I don't feel this fear anymore,

**** I just want to sleep. I want to crawl in bed and sleep until my surgery.  I can't panic if I'm sleeping. Right?*****

I'm sorry to throw all of this out there, but I figure you all are much better equipped to deal with this stuff than I am right now.  :-)

Please everyone, pray for me.  I'm so goof-headed right now I can't even concentrate enough in one straight line to pray for myself.  I get distracted thinking about DYING DURING MY SURGERY that I realize thirty minutes later that I didn't get much further than, "Dear Lord, Thank you for everything you do for me............." before my mind and imagination went AWOL.

The H Word

I did it. I finally did it!

I've scheduled my hysterectomy.  For 5 years I have been dragging my feet (and suffering) because I am a big chicken. I mean a BIG chicken.

I've weighed all of my options, and I'm not having issues about losing my uterus. I could really care less about my uterus, because it is only a bag full of problems in my opinion.  It's the surgery that I am so afraid off.

"Everyone worries when facing a surgery" you say.

Well, I don't just worry, I become paralyzed with fear. I have panic attacks. I can't function. I can't think. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed.

Why?

BECAUSE I AM GOING TO DIE!!!

Yes, I know that this fear is completely irrational as well as illogical.  But knowing that and controlling it are two completely different things.

The last time I had it scheduled (umm, about 3 years ago) I managed to make it until the day of my pre-op. I had been struggling all morning with anxiety and fighting the need to just curl up in the fetal position and hide, but I thought for sure I could tough it out. While driving to the doctor's office, I was overcome by a migraine.  It was so bad that I was sickened by the smell of fabric softener in my clothes and struck nearly blind.

I should have called someone to come and get me, because I had absolutely no business trying to drive. But that would have been smart, and if I have proven anything in my life it is that I don't always do what is smart. So after I emptied my stomach three separate times alongside the road, I finally made it back home where I laid in the dark and quiet for two days.

By the time I was feeling brave enough to try again, my doctor was moving out of state.  I can tell you that trying to find a new doctor did absolutely nothing for improving my nerves.

So, are you wondering how I managed to overcome this fear?

My secret weapon is my sister.

I asked her to come home this weekend and basically hold my hand to get me to my doctor's appointment. Her first chore was to keep me from bolting back to my car in the parking lot. :)  Then she kept me talking in the waiting room, so I couldn't sit quietly and focus inward creating more anxiety. She sat through the appointment with me and helped make sure the Dr. and I covered all of the topics I wanted to. She was there to listen and make sure I stayed focused and on track.

Although I did most of the talking, the fact that she was there gave me some accountability. By that, I mean that I had to be honest with myself and my doctor. Not only my desire to get the surgery over with but about the fact that my anxiety is not a reflection of any reservation to have a hysterectomy but that my actual fear is dying.

I don't know why, but for some reason I have a terrible time admitting my true fears. I guess I feel as though I am showing weakness. I would rather someone (including myself sometimes) think something that is not true, rather than admit where my true fear lies. 

I'm trying to overcome that.

I love my sis! I'm glad she accepts me and my GADness! (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) She doesn't patronize my fears and anxieties. She understands that they are real, even if they are irrational. It is what it is, and she helps me do what needs to be done in order to get through it.

I'm sure that it helps that I don't often find myself in this shape. I usually do a fair job keeping everything in order, on track and in check. But, I've come to realize that my kryptonite is surgery. I have a huge irrational fear of dying during surgery. I just can't keep it together when it comes down to that.

So Thank You Sis!! I hope everyone has someone like her, for days like this.

Now, I have found a new doctor whom I really like. I have scheduled my surgery and he has given me a little RX to help me get through until H-Day.


Aaahhh! I feel better already.


And I haven't even picked up the RX!!!