Totally Freaking Out

OK I've have written and deleted this post about FIFTEEN different times.  I'm really struggling with it.  I kept thinking it was just the stress related to my upcoming procedure, or that I'm just having trouble writing about such a personal topic (Yeah right. I laugh in the face of personal modesty and dignity.) Then I realized that wasn't the problem at all.  The problem is that I have been trying to write this like I am a stable, rational thinking person.  So in order to fix that,I've decided to just tackle it head on.


Like the crazy person I am (or at least feel like lately).



Wednesday morning was my Pre-op appointment. Although to most people that not be that significant, but for me that means I am on the final countdown to my surgery. *~*

I am such nervous wreck.  Therefore I have been trying very hard to keep myself pre-occupied because...... well, because if I don't then I may seriously find myself camped out and hidden somewhere having a full-blown panic attack.

Wednesday evening was a Ty evening which also happened to coincide with the first day of school.  So it wasn't very difficult to stay distracted. We ate dinner together and I tried to get Ty to tell me about his day.  That was like pulling teeth as usual.  I ask a question and he shrugs and mumbles an answer. (Typical male) Of course when he decide he WANTS to tell me something, I can't get him to hush (also typical male, lol)

After he went to bed I spent a while making a list of things I need to do before my surgery and a list of things I may need to take with me.

Thursday evening, I had dinner and margaritas with a couple of girlfriends. Then I spent four hours with Dessa at the mall and Walmart.  I was so drained from the drinks and shopping that I just immediately crashed when I got home.

This weekend I painted an old bookcase I found in my moms attic and filled it with some of my favorite books.  Then I made a living will and wrote out a list of important stuff like where to find all of my life insurance policies and checking and savings account info. I watch a couple of movies and crashed pretty early.
So as active and distracted as I've been trying to keep myself for the last few days, you would think that I would be doing a good job staying calm or at least not focusing on being a paranoid crazy freak.

The truth is that as I am typing this I am completely freaking out.  I feel like I could simultaneously vomit and hyperventilate.  I'm light headed and nauseous.

Why? 


Well, because I'M GOING TO DIE!!!

Yes, that is actually what I keep thinking. I am going to die.  Next Thursday. During my surgery. Somehow.


The only rational thought that seems to be getting through is the fact that I was totally convinced I was not going to survive my pregnancy and c-section either.  I had it in my head that God's only purpose for me was to deliver this boy into the world and then my job would be done. And that ( obviously) didn't happen.

I know that this sounds like crazy talk.  And I guess it was/is.  I knew the complications and risks of my pregnancy. They were HUGE. Being convinced that it was going to happen was, in a way, my coping mechanism.  It was easier to believe and accept it than to fear and fight against the unknown.

That mechanism isn't going to work this time.  All I think about is leaving my son behind.  I was 21 when my Dad died and I STILL needed him.  Ty is only 5 so I know he still needs me.

Yep, I feel that I am on the edge of panic and the ground is slipping quickly.

I'm fighting the need to run full speed, screaming at the top of my lungs until I don't feel this fear anymore,

**** I just want to sleep. I want to crawl in bed and sleep until my surgery.  I can't panic if I'm sleeping. Right?*****

I'm sorry to throw all of this out there, but I figure you all are much better equipped to deal with this stuff than I am right now.  :-)

Please everyone, pray for me.  I'm so goof-headed right now I can't even concentrate enough in one straight line to pray for myself.  I get distracted thinking about DYING DURING MY SURGERY that I realize thirty minutes later that I didn't get much further than, "Dear Lord, Thank you for everything you do for me............." before my mind and imagination went AWOL.