I seriously don't feel like going into to a bunch of shite describing my workplace dynamics and all of those involved, so I'm gonna just jump to the punch.
I have spent the last two days attempting to hire some new laborers. This is not uncommon, as we have an extremely high employee turnover rate and I often get stuck with this responsibility. Unfortunately, I would rather do anything other than this. Almost.
I find this task excruciatingly painful and increasingly more difficult to even be civil. Remember this is coming from someone who quickly managed to learn how not only be civil but friendly (and mean it) to her ex and Etc. I'm sure some people will think I'm just being lazy, moody, bitchy or just a poor employee. Maybe I am, but you seriously have no idea what I have to deal with and I am not good enough of a writer to put it into words.
In an attempt to get out of this unenjoyable little task, I have been sitting here making a list of several arguments that I thought were rather convincing. At least at first. Unfortunately, after a second thought or so I realized that I would be the only one convinced. So, if I can't get out of it then maybe I can possibly make it a little more bearable.
I created this MEMO to hand out to anyone wishing to apply for a job here. I think it will help, don't you?
___________________________________________________________________________________
MEMO
To: All Applicants
From: The Witch Behind the Desk
Tips & Tricks to Help Obtain Employment Here
1) Please write legibly. If I cannot read your name or phone number, what do you seriously think your chances of getting a job are? I can't even call you for griefs sake!
2) Read the Job Requirements Page. Attached to your application is a smartly written FAQ page. It will answer Most of your questions. And yes they do apply to you.
3) Yes, the job does require travel out of town. It says so right there on that little FAQ page. Also, the last time I checked they took ALL of the tracks out of this area back in the 80's. Soooo, unless Doc Brown and Marty show up with the Delorian, we won't be working on those.
4) The application is short for a reason. Do not struggle over the application. I have made it as short as possible. I seldom bother with contacts or references, unless I know them personally. Chances are that a personal reference is your tokin' buddy from way back anyway and businesses are so legally tongue-tied that if they have a bad reference to give, they most often wont. So I usually don't bother. I really only care whether you can pass a background check and drug test. The rest you can prove to your foreman and super.
5) The App plainly states that we only hire laborers for a reason. It is because we Only Hire Laborers. I don't care how many years you say you have working for another company. Again, I say prove it to your foreman and super. If your worth what you say, you will quickly be noticed.
6) Don't get P.O.'d at me because you can't pass the background check. It wasn't me that had anything to do with your drug and assault charges. I didn't put that on you, so don't put it on me. If you can't pass the background check to enter the properties we work on, we obviously don't need you.
7) If you can't pass the Drug Test, Please, Please, PLEASE Don't Waste My Time! Seriously. I won't buy whatever story your selling. I don't care if you have prescriptions. It doesn't matter. You Can Not work while under the influence. Whether RX or No! I have heard every blue-blazing, cock-and-bull story over the last 7 years, so save it. If you fail a pre-emp test for me, your name goes on a Do Not Hire list. End of Story.
8) Flattery will get you everything. Except a Job. I am not an empty headed girl. I know false compliments and sugar coated B.S. when I hear it. No matter how many times you call me honey, sweetie, or sugar, and yes I have been told I was beautiful and have even been told that I was "da bomb"; it will not affect my vision to properly read your drug test. FYI, your rotten teeth and skin sores are a giveaway that your lying about having "never tried Meth in your life".
9) I learn more about you from what you say than what you put on your app. You really left your last two jobs because you hurt your back(or your arm or foot, or whatever)? You are openly telling me that? You quit at the (fill in blank w/ easy-as-pie job) because you couldn't get along with your boss? You haven't had a job for several years? ...... GEEZ
10) Please Do Not Touch My Stuff. The paperwork and items on my desk are not conversation starters. It's what I was diligently working on before I was stuck with the crappy task of hiring you. Please do not touch, pick up, try to read, or ask me questions about anything on my desk. It is confidential and it is rude! I mean seriously, some of this should have been things your Mama taught ya.
10) You do know this is a small town, right? I may not know everyone who lives around here, but I know ALOT of people. Especially my age and older. Just because you may not know or recognize me, it doesn't mean I don't know you or your reputation. Please keep that in mind if your the guy who stole my four-wheeler back in '02.
11)Cheese and Wine may go well together, but we don't serve it here. The more you whine about "how bad you really need this job" and how "you would do anything, no matter how hard, and you will always be available, and you just really, really have to have this job", the more I am convinced that you will either Not show up at all or last only a couple of days.
FINALLY, Just a 'lil bit more.
If you really feel as though you Must bring your Mother, Wife, GF or even grandmother with you when you fill out your application or during the hiring process. Could you please, ever so sweetly ask them (and I mean this with the utmost respect) could you ask them to wear a bra? It makes me feel like I should take pics and submit them to PowM.com and it's a bit overwhelming. Thanks.
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