My Reflection

Last night, as Ty and I were getting ready for bed, I had another OMG Mommy moment. We were standing side by side brushing our teeth.  I was in one of my usual head-in-the-clouds kind of daze when out of the corner of my eye something caught my attention.

I noticed that Ty was watching my reflection in the mirror as he was brushing his teeth.  Then I realized that he wasn't JUST watching my reflection, he was imitating it.  Stoke for stroke, brush for brush, he was doing everything I was. 

A feeling of pride and love came over me as I watched him so intently trying to get the tops and bottoms, fronts and backs and even his tongue just exactly like I was.  I couldn't believe that someone so gorgeous, so smart and so nearly perfect would want to be anything like me. I was so proud of myself for setting such a good example, and that he "caught" me when I was doing it perfectly.
Not that I ever brush my teeth imperfectly ;-)

Then suddenly it was like being drenched in a cold shower.

What else is he imitating?  How often is he watching me?

What examples am I setting when I don't realize he is watching?

Does he hear me when I mumble curse words under my breath?  Does he see how fast I can lose my temper? Does he realize how many times I skip church because I need to do something else?

To be perfectly honest, this scares me. Those thoughts have sent my mind into overdrive and I'm not really sure what the outcome of this thought process will be. 

Its amazing how you can 'know' something on the surface, but when it reaches a different, deeper level of your mind it takes on a whole new, much deeper meaning.

The Big One

"Why are you and Daddy not married anymore?"

I have known this was coming since the day my ex left. I tried to prepare myself emotionally, as well as to have answers readily available that don't point blame or involve name calling. I've had 5 years to prepare for this day, so I should have aced it.

Wrong. Oh, So Wrong. I was not prepared for it to come out of the blue like it did, and I was not at all expecting him to already have more information than I anticipated. I mean how much worse of answer could I have given than, "Well unfortunately Ty, sometimes things happen in marriages that cause people to get a divorce."  Seriously, what kind of answer is that?  That explains things about as well as, "Because I said so."
Then, out of left field,  the kid low balls me with, "Is it because my Daddy broke off with you?"

I was shocked. First of all, who has he been talking to, and who put those words in his head? Secondly, I mean, what do you say? Yes, and then your pointing the finger of blame. Or No, and then your a liar. I made a quick decision (not usually a good idea for me) and went with the truth. Obviously, its not the whole story, but it's enough for a 5year old. No matter how bad I don't want to color Ty's thinking about the situation, I sure don't ever want to lie.

I want Ty to know that no matter what question he asks me, that I will always answer in truth. Always. No matter how difficult the question or the answer. (Hopefully, for him, he doesn't ask about Santa too soon.)

What I Maybe Did Right.
I accept the fact that I messed up, but I hope I did do some things that were right. When I realized that this was a conversation that needed my full attention, I pulled the car over into a parking lot, unbuckled Ty's seat belt and pulled him onto my lap.

 As soon as he was in my arms, I could feel him shaking.  He wasn't crying, he was shaking from anger. His little hands were curled up into fists, and every muscle in his body was tight. I gave him a big hug, kissed him on his forehead and asked him to talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling. He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I told him that it was OK, that he could talk to me no matter what.

Finally, after I promised not to tell 'anyone', he told me that                                                                  (sorry, I promised, and I'm pretty sure that posting it on here would constitute a Mega violation). 

I handled it the best that I could and so this is what I told him.  "No matter who we are, how much money we have, how many friends we have or how perfect our lives appear to be there are going to be things that happen to us that are either unfair, that hurt us and/or things that make us angry.  We may not understand why these things happen and we do not have to like them, but we do have to accept them."  I told him that "when things in my life happen that hurt me or make me unhappy, I try to think of at least one good thing that happened because of it."

"What could be good about this?" he asked.

"Well, for me it is that I have been able to make my everything all about you. I haven't had to share my time or attention with anyone other than you. If we want to eat nothing but popcorn for supper, it doesn't matter, because the only people we have to make happy is us." I replied.

"You know what else is great? You have two totally awesome little brothers that you would never have had, if your Dad and I stayed together."

"I wouldn't? " Ty asked surprised.

"Nope, and I definitely think that's pretty special."

"Yeah, I guess your right Mom. I love my brothers."

"And everybody loves you. You always remember that."

"Yep, everybody loves Ty."

Of course, this all went down with me crying like a babbling baby. About two words into it I lost my control.  It's not my pain that causes the tears, it was seeing my baby hurting. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to hold onto anger over who did what to who.  The situation is what it is. I want him to be happy, and he can't be happy if he's angry.

I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure it's the first of many conversations and explanations. I dread it. I just pray God will help me find the words to help him understand and to work through it.

A Week in Review

Two weeks ago I needed to vent, so I wrote this post as a draft. Yet I was unsure whether to post it or not. It seemed too personal to other people.   Now, two weeks later I still feel the need to publish this post, not so much to vent, but because this feels very important to me.  So here it is.

OK, last week began with the death of a family member, and ended with his funeral. Throw in a sick kid and appearing in court as a character witness in a custody case, and you can see why I am just now posting anything for the last SEVERAL days. It was basically just a shitty week. Funny how death just kinda does that to ya, isn't it?

I'm still exhausted, but beginning to recoup.  Although, I don't have a lot to say about these events (mainly because I don't feel as though they are my stories to share and not everyone feels the same about having their laundry aired on the net)  there is one recurring theme.  With the exception of Ty boy's most recent fling with the croup, everything else this week has  pressed upon me the need to just let go. 

Anger, resentment, and revenge are just plain childish. Get over it. Move on.  Blood is supposed to be thicker than water, remember?  People make mistakes. We ALL do.  No one is perfect. We all are gonna screw up and do something stupid every now and then. We all are going to hurt those around us on occasion.  Sometimes without even realizing it and at other times it may have been more intentional than we want to admit to even ourselves.  It may make us feel better to place blame elsewhere and promote ourselves as a helpless victim in a particular situation, but rarely is the story so one-sided. 

I just want to reach out to anyone who may ever read this and say that if you have anger in your heart for another person, please just let it go.  I am here to tell you from my own experience that the person you are hurting the most is YOURSELF and the person who will benefit the most from this new perspective is YOU.

It takes a strong will to be the "bigger" person and more often than not its not a one-time deal.  It can take years to repair bad relationships, but it is worth it. I know that if I'm not careful here, I will begin talking in circles. So essentially what I want to say is this:

                                  If you are currently embroiled in a custody battle, please, please, please play fair.  Children need both parents in their lives.  Do not try to "punish" the other party by making it difficult for them to be a parent.  There are so many kids who would love it if their mother/father actually wanted to be in their lives.  So they may have been a crappy spouse (other half), but that doesn't mean they won't be great parents.  Give your children the opportunity to have a great relationship with everyone.  As long as there is not a safety concern (a real one, not imagined), learn to work with your former ex.  Begin by letting go of the anger.  I can assure you in the end life will be much sweeter.

Also, forgive your family members.  I don't care if your brother did burn done the old home place because you inherited it instead of him.  Someone has to be the grown up here.  I have witnessed a feud that has existed in one generation for as many years as I can imagine.  Recently that fire had begun to smolder one generation down.  With the death of my great uncle this past week, this family feud became a full blaze in two more generations.  Is this the kind of legacy we want to leave behind?   It is petty and it is pathetic.  Death hurts, and it makes us more vulnerable to these things, but it DOES NOT make it OK.   Love your family.  Even the kooks.  And yes, even the assholes.

The Fried Pickle Phenomenon

I admit it. I am a Screamer.

You know exactly what it is that I am talking about. You’ve all witnessed the tail-end of some poor mother’s wits as she yells insensibly at her children. In public. Yes, that is me. At least it easily could be.

I have always acted as though I believed the louder I yelled something the better it was understood. Kind of makes you wonder if I missed my calling to be an athletic coach or a drill sargeant, doesn’t it? Anyway, when Ty was about 9 months old, I lost all sensibility and yelled at the top of my lungs because he would cry every time I took two steps away from him. Now I realize that is what babies do, but I was a mess emotionally. The thing is, it was the look on his beautiful face that made me want to change. The look I saw on his face was one of fear. I didn’t want my baby to be afraid on me. I wasn’t someone to be afraid of. I loved him and would always protect him.

It was then that I realized how much louder our actions speak than our words. It was then that I promised myself that I would work hard NOT to scream or yell.

Like all bad habits this one has been difficult to break. I have had to change my strategy many, many times to find something that works. Just to change it again, when that quits working. I have had to have a lot of talks with Ty to explain why when we are both tired, things sometimes get ugly. We’ve talked about what things always seem to get us into trouble.

So, recently I have employed a new warning strategy. A warning strategy is similar to the count of 3 principle. The child knows that if the parent reaches the number three then all hell breaks loose. Right? It should anyway.

One of my pet peeves is having to repeat myself. Ty is essentially the best staller I have ever encountered. (other than my sister, but I think she is more obnoxiously slow than stalling) So to keep him from getting us both sidetracked or distracted, I find myself repeating myself, then ultimately loosing my temper.

So I told Ty that I wanted us to both come up with a code word. I explained to him that this code word was for me to use to warn him that I was on the brink of loosing it.

I asked him if he had any suggestions for what this code word should be. I told him that it should be something that we would not commonly say but something that neither of us would forget. He studied for a moment then he smiled and said he knew a perfect code word. “Fried Pickles.”

I told him that sounded great and that anytime he heard me say “Fried Pickles” that I was on the edge of loosing it and that he should proceed very cautiously. He said he understood and we shook hands to seal the deal.

That was several weeks ago, and this evening is this first time I’ve had need to use our new code word. He is always tired on Sunday afternoons. I guess two hours at church is more than he can handle. Sometimes I wonder what they do to wear these kids down so much. Anyway, I was trying to get his clothes laid out for school and get his lunch packed and he was having a meltdown over the wii remote not working correctly. I told him I would check it out as soon as I finished what I was doing.

Evidently, it wasn’t what he wanted to hear . So he was shedding big croc tears, and screaming etc, etc. So as the situation continued to escalate, I could feel how short fused I was. So I immediately picked him up, sat him on my lap and as sternly and firmly as possible I looked him in the eye and said “Fried Pickles”.

Then I completely lost it. Not like usual though. I laughed so hard I STILL think I scared him. Seriously, the next time you are on the verge of loosing your temper with your kids. Look them dead in the eye and say “Fried Pickles”. It may be just me, but I don’t think I can say that without loosing some of my steam.
I wonder what would happen if I said it three times real fast.

If We Learn from Our Mistakes..........I Should be a Genius!

This week I turned 35 years old. THIRTY-FIVE!?! The big One-Five? The last year I can check the 26-35 age group box on surveys? The year that starts the downhill slide to forty? Yes, exactly. 35. Crap! How did that happen? I'm not really sure, some of it is sorta just a fog. Well garbled memory or no, I should have figured everything out. Right? Well not hardly, but in honor of this monumental birthday I am composing a list. Here are some things I have figured out, and a few I think I've actually gotten right.  Well mostly.
Enjoy.

1. I have learned what true unconditional love really is.
2. I have learned that my family and my real friends will stand beside me no matter what.
3. I'm too honest, too dependable and way too opinionated and outspoken.
4. I am always late for everything. (I try to be early. I really, really do.)
5. I can take care of myself. And I will.
6. I have the attention span of a firecracker. (I put on a pretty good show at first, then I just fizzle out.)
7. Being Mrs. (put really impressive name here) is not very important to me. There are more important qualities than a dude's last name and the size of his wallet.
8. I still miss my Dad as much as I ever did. Time never eases that pain.
9. I know that wounds heal.
10. I know that a broken heart will never break me.
11. I've learned that being stabbed in the back by a friend always hurts worse than any heartache.
12. I have an addictive personality. (If your a counselor or therapist you understand what I'm talking about. If not you just think I'm the bomb.)
13. I always try to do what's right, even if its not easy.
14. I am by no means perfect, but I am as damn close as you get. O.K. j/k!
15. Don't ask me my opinion, if you REALLY don't want to hear it.
16. With age I have mellowed out a lot. I don't let too much bother me anymore.
17. Mellow or not, hit the right button and I still come unglued.
18. I smoke even though I know I shouldn't.
19. I drink because I like to.
20. And I don't like being told I should quit either of them.
21. I love old 4WD's and fast cars.
22. I hate to hurt any one's feelings.
23. I believe in Karma.......and she is not my friend.
24. I've learned that you can only help someone who wants to be helped.
25. I hate liars, cheaters and thieves.
26. I hate it when someone mistakes my positive, happy easy going nature for Stupidity or Weakness.
27. I believe there is good in everyone. Some just don't like to show it.
28. On most occasions, I'm an overly optimistic person.
29. Except when the world is out to get me and there is nothing that can help.
30. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason.
31. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I'm not going to settle for anything less.
32. I've learned that it doesn't matter what cards your dealt in life, just how you choose to play them.
33. I've learned that life often resembles a game of Blind Man's Bluff.
34. I've finally reached the age that I know that I don't know everything, and I know that I am not invincible.
35. I thank God everyday for keeping me alive until I figured that out.

Shew! That's enough education for one day. I feel better already, knowing that I actually have walked away from the last 3 1/2 decades with a little something. Now its time to go get ready for a rare night on the town to celebrate with the girls. Whoo Hoo!

There is still no cure for the common birthday. ~ John Glenn

     Except for maybe just straight up lying. :-p   ~ yours truly  2/22/2007

Grammie Saves the Day!!!

Although today is Ty's 5th birthday, it is his first "school" birthday. We both have been so excited about it all year long. Every time one of his classmates had a birthday and brought in some sugary delicious treat for their classmates, he and I would brainstorm ideas of what we would do on his birthday. Of course, being a cupcake man, he always circled back to that idea.

Yet, somehow between supervising the construction of a valentine box and valentines for his classmates, ordering flowers for his teacher, etc. and making sure I have all of my half of Saturdays b-day party stuff taken care of, the school cupcake idea kinda got lost in the shuffle.

It resurfaced again last night around 10:00.  Quietly getting up to search the cabinets, I knew it was pointless. I don't cook real food let alone cupcakes. But when I opened the first cabinet and saw the icing, I thought I was in luck. Digging deeper, I found cupcake liners, sprinkles, and that gel icing you can write stuff with. Unfortunately my quest never unveiled any cake mix.  Time for Plan B.

I call my Mom. Being the super Grammie that she is, she immediately volunteered to get up early this morning and go to the store to get cake mix and make him some cupcakes. As great as that idea was, I felt that was a little much. After all it is She who would have to arrange to get them to school and play homeroom mom, while I was at work.

For anyone who does not nor has ever resided in a small town, this may not seem like such an major issue. So get those images of neatly packaged cupcakes sitting in your grocer's bakery out of your head. In order to have luxuries like that, the grocery store has to be big enough to have a bakery. Ours, obviously, does not.

So exactly how did she save the day?

None other than those neat little individual cups of ice cream. The ones that are so perfect for parties. She called Ty's teacher this morning to see when the best time would be to bring them. According to her, they were a smashing hit for all involved. Maybe he never realized he was missing the cupcakes. And if he did ... well.... his Mama Lilly (aka stepmom) has that base covered for him this evening. It all works out.

Thanks Mom! I owe ya one! (again)

Happy 5th Birthday Ty! You're the Best!