I'm a Mother, I worry. It's what I do.

I know I worry too much.

I know that I obsess over things that needn't be obsessed over. 

I know this AND I admit it. It's part of my G.A.D. ..............

..................but please, Please, PLEASE don't tell me that I'm being silly!

These are real fears.  Real fears for Real things. 

It's not like I'm worried about the monsters under my bed or anything.

Wait let me back up to this morning and to the incident that has initiated this little rant.

I awoke about thirty minutes early this morning, because I wanted to spend a few extra minutes with Ty. I was supposed to drop him off at his Daddy & Lilly's on my way to work, then they would all be heading to Gatlinburg for a few days of vacation.

So I hurried up, showered, dressed and what have ya.  After pulling that off in record time, I then commenced to getting Ty up and ready.  As I was gooping up his Mohawk, I starting talking to him about how important it was that he get back home to me safely.  I stressed that he had to be extra careful while traveling.  To make sure that he doesn't run ahead of Daddy and Lilly or get distracted  by something and not keep up with them.  I reminded him that it was super important not to talk to strangers and that all bad guys don't necessarily look like Two-Face from Batman.

As I was reciting all of this to him, someone (who's first name is My and last name is Mother) walked by and told me to quit being silly. She said that I was only "projecting my anxiety".

WTF!!!

So have I only IMAGINED seeing those missing kids on milk cartons?  Are Amber alerts only an urban legend?

I don't think so!

I understand that my Mom (oops, I mean 'Someone') was only trying to keep me from scaring Ty and possibly even trying to make me feel better.  The problem is, that she has no idea what it feels like to have your baby away from you. To feel helpless and afraid of a situation that is out of your control.

Fortunately for her (and my sister and myself), she and my Dad stayed married. Therefore, there were never any separate vacations.  She never had to send her baby off without her. I'm even sure I was in like the 5th or 6th grade before I even went to the mall with out her. 

Let me specify here that I'm not concerned that his Dad or Lilly won't take good care of him.  I KNOW they will.  They love him, care for him and worry about him the same as I do. I'm not worried about lack of care here.  I'm worried that even in the best of circumstances things can go wrong. 

I'm not being silly. Just ask any parent of a missing or abducted child.

I also understand "someone's" ill attempt to ease my mind. I do understand that.  I understand that from her perspective it is "silly" to worry over what you cannot change. 

I wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I could just enjoy the next couple of days instead of spending it feeling like my guts are caught in a wringer.  I really, really do.

But it's who I am, and what I do.

As a Mother and as Me.

P.S.  ~ I know your thinking, "Wow! She just moved in over the weekend and she's already upset at her Mom."  But that's not exactly true.  I am venting, yes, but I'm not really upset with her.  I understand that she is my Mother, and that "roles" die hard.  It's hard for her to see me doing something that she herself doesn't necessarily agree with and NOT "correct" me for it.  I understand that.  I also understand that with a little admonishment, corporal punishment and correcting hard work,determination and patience this too will change.

My Reflection

Last night, as Ty and I were getting ready for bed, I had another OMG Mommy moment. We were standing side by side brushing our teeth.  I was in one of my usual head-in-the-clouds kind of daze when out of the corner of my eye something caught my attention.

I noticed that Ty was watching my reflection in the mirror as he was brushing his teeth.  Then I realized that he wasn't JUST watching my reflection, he was imitating it.  Stoke for stroke, brush for brush, he was doing everything I was. 

A feeling of pride and love came over me as I watched him so intently trying to get the tops and bottoms, fronts and backs and even his tongue just exactly like I was.  I couldn't believe that someone so gorgeous, so smart and so nearly perfect would want to be anything like me. I was so proud of myself for setting such a good example, and that he "caught" me when I was doing it perfectly.
Not that I ever brush my teeth imperfectly ;-)

Then suddenly it was like being drenched in a cold shower.

What else is he imitating?  How often is he watching me?

What examples am I setting when I don't realize he is watching?

Does he hear me when I mumble curse words under my breath?  Does he see how fast I can lose my temper? Does he realize how many times I skip church because I need to do something else?

To be perfectly honest, this scares me. Those thoughts have sent my mind into overdrive and I'm not really sure what the outcome of this thought process will be. 

Its amazing how you can 'know' something on the surface, but when it reaches a different, deeper level of your mind it takes on a whole new, much deeper meaning.